Fear Is A Liar

   One thing I am thankful for that has come out of this "worldwide pandemic" is the way it has forced me to go inward and ask more question than ever before. At 42 years old I had to face a lot of my internal thought processes and ask myself "why" quite a bit. Why do I think that? Why do I feel that way? Why do I believe that is true? Why do I believe that is not true? Why do I stand on this dividing line instead of that one? And finally, am I living my life in line with what I say I believe? Asking myself those questions challenged me to stop and really think about what my true and honest answers were to those tough questions. 

One of the hardest parts of me and Jon deciding to step out and make some dramatic life changes was that in the midst of making some tough decisions I was still struggling with a desire to please everyone....and I couldn't. For instance, I wanted our move to make sense to others, but I knew it didn't. I wanted to have good answers for the "why" questions asked by others. I knew I didn't have answers that would really make sense to others and that bothered me at first. I went back and again asked myself "why"? Why did I want to be able to give an answer to others that I thought they would like? The truth was, I was trying to rely on old habits that told me I needed to have approval from others in order to validate my reasons for doing something. The difference this time was that when I asked myself why I felt that way I had to be honest with myself.  The truth was I was struggling to break a mold that had never served me well. In order to do that I had to be willing to disappoint others, or give answers that others might not agree with. That reality was hard to face, but it was necessary in order for me to see positive changes and personal growth in myself. In the process of questioning everything Jon and I had come to the conclusion that the reason we were not thriving was because we were always trying to do what everyone else did, but the problem with that plan was that what seemed to work for everyone else simply did not work for us.

You can call it a midlife crisis I guess, but it really just boiled down to our desire to live out the next phase of our lives in true freedom.  Freedom from what others thought. Freedom from expectations to do what everyone else was doing. Freedom to be honest with myself and others. Freedom to stand firm in my convictions. Freedom to say "no". Freedom to say "yes". We knew that staying in KC didn't represent the freedom we wanted for our future. When we prayed about all of our "why" questions we had peace, and more importantly we had clarity.  As Jon simply put it: For the first time in our lives we aren't afraid to fail! I didn't have any assurances that my next steps were going to yield any particular success, but I was willing to make that first step forward in order to do something different for once in my life. 

When we asked all of the "why" questions we both started to see that a lot of our choices and decisions up to that point had been made out fear. I am SO DONE living in fear! If I am going to continue to try to make better choices that represent living in freedom I can't keep doing things out of the fear of the unknown, or fear of failure, or fear of what others think. I can't keep trying to stay on the "safe" path when that plan has never brought me success. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result...then I needed to quit doing the same thing! 

Has our plan to take a different path resulted in instantaneous happiness and overnight success? Nope! It's been painful, scary, frustrating, and full of moments where I have asked myself "what the heck am I supposed to do next"? But it's also been beautiful to surrender my plans to God and trust that HIS PLANS are what will succeed in the end. For the first time in my life I don't feel like I need to apologize for, or explain my personal convictions to others. I'm living in the freedom that comes from honoring my personal convictions and following a path that feels right for me and my family. 

I hope that this next phase of my life teaches me more about God, how he created me, how he sees me, how he loves me, and the unique plan he has for each member of my family. I want to learn more about trusting God when the world is screaming at me to do the exact opposite. I'm open to hearing wisdom from Godly men and women who are also seeking truth from God's word, but I am done listening to opinions that are out of line with God's word.  Fear is liar...and I am done listening to people that want to lead with fear! Fear is also not from God, so things that come from a place of fear should not be trusted. I'm also learning to let go of the fear of what others think. When I asked myself what that particular fear has ever done for me I couldn't come up with one positive answer. 

The reason I have decided to write about my choices and the thought processes that go into them is because I have a feeling I am not alone. If you have ever felt like God is leading you down a different path than what you see everyone else taking, don't be afraid to do something different. Sometimes we convince ourselves we are all alone, but this time I feel like the Lord is nudging me to take another step out into an uncomfortable place where I'm vulnerable enough to share my failures and my successes with others. I hope my honesty and vulnerability with you encourages you to listen to that still small voice in your heart. If you feel a restlessness with where you are at right now, I'd encourage you to pray about what you should do next. If you feel all alone in your thoughts or choices, please know you are not alone! Don't listen to that voice! Ask God for HIS truth. Ask for wisdom. Ask for peace, clarity, and strength to walk where He is leading you. It might scare you to step out, but trust God. Trust that His plans for you are good. You can always trust where God is leading you.

Your life and your choices don't have to look anything like mine...that's not my point here.  I do not want to make it sound like I have my life figured out either, because nothing could be further from the truth right now! Ummm....let's just remember that I thought I was moving to FL with plans to purchase a home, and that didn't happen! Instead, I ended up signing a 12 month lease on a home I hadn't even seen a picture of! Yeah....that's not exactly a picture of someone who has their life figured out! But, what I can tell you so far is that God has not failed me yet. Things do not look like the picture I was painting in my head, but I have peace. That's my measure right now for the new path I am on. If I had listened to the voice of fear a year ago instead of asking God to lead my next steps, my life would look a lot different today. Fear is a liar....and Truth brings freedom! My prayer for you today is that you walk in the freedom that only God's truth can bring.